A Promising Pamana (Part 2)

Since we moved back at my mom's place, I kept on remembering my teenage years and how horrible I was before I became a parent. I was miserable, pessimistic, pathetic, and I really had low self-esteem back then. Remember Marlin from Disney's Finding Nemo? Yes, I was a Marlin like my mom and my husband was well, just a little bit like Dory (minus the short-term memory loss - which turned out to most likely reflect me after I gave birth to my eldest). He's (my husband) a little bit of a happy-go-lucky person, he enjoys and savors each moment like it's his last, has a simple and happy outlook in life, and looks for solutions to problems rather than whine (which makes me the total opposite, Ha ha!).

My mom and I we shared the same Marlin attitude (whiner, nagger, fearful and paranoid). Our mother-daughter relationship has had many ups but mostly downs. I could never understand her, what she did, and I'm sure there are still a lot of things she would do that I won't understand. But because she's my mom, and because I want to save our relationship, I would accept her as who and what she is because I love her. However, I think this is going to take long unless she opens up to me once in a while. We are very different people. Now that I am a parent myself, I see some of her in me, but I also see a lot of gaps and indifference we both have for each other. Oh yes, we had issues. . . and we still have them up to this day. Sometimes we just let the issues die down and move on with our lives and not talk about it. But when we're both all boiled up inside, ayun na! Everything just flies out of our mouths. Sumbatan to the blues.

For a more clearer description of what our relationship is like, you can watch the newest teleserye of ABS at prime time, where Kim and Gerald stars in. The relationship of Celine and Gwen perfectly mirrors my relationship with my mom and sometimes I thought this is the one thing I will never do to my kids. As much as possible, I want to learn how to trust them, understand them, support them, and nurture them with all the love and care that they need. I don't and I refuse to be the "praning" mom, the overprotective mom, the nagging mom, the discouraging mom, the negative-thinker mom, and most especially, I will not allow myself to be the mom who humiliates her children in public.

Thanks to my husband and my mother-in-law, I've realized that change for the better is good than no change at all. After all, change is the only constant thing in this world right?

When I ponder and look back at myself before I became a parent, I regret the fact that I was too proud, too tactless, naive and down right mean.

These are some of the things I pondered on while listening to the priest's sermon (Ha Ha! A great loads of flashbacks of memories just because of one sermon, eh?).

If there's one thing we could pass on to our children, its not only education, not only our earthly possessions and material wealth but we could also pass on to them the good values , and how to have a positive outlook in life and the right attitude that would eventually make them a better person in the future. Hopefully, they too, can pass it on to their own children someday.

Kabutihan. . . Magandang asal. . . Those were the exact words the priest told us. We not need to complicate it because in its simplest form, we are asked to do the just good not only to our fellowmen but most importantly to our families. After all, it is our family that should be there for us and no one else. Apart from our office mates, our clients, our colleagues and our friends, of course, we should be able to show more goodness or kindness to our own family first than to other people.

'Di ba, it would be much better when we hang out with bunso sometimes? Or go shopping with ate? Or help kuya with his chores? Or go to the market with mom? Or bring dad a nice cup of coffee at work?

I know some people are afraid to be rejected when they make an effort to please their parents, that is why I am proposing this kind of "Pamana Project" to our kids and for the next generation as well.


Let us all go forth and have the joint effort to spread the good deeds out there and become better parents to our children. STOP! Being "praning". STOP! Being pessimistic. STOP! Humiliating your kids in public. STOP! Talking bad stuff about your kids and telling it to your other relatives. That's just wrong. STOP! Whining.



Instead, START being supportive, START having a positive outlook in life. START giving your kids a break every once in a while. START to smile a little more or laugh your lungs out. Breathe . . . relax . . . they're not going to be kids forever right? :-)

Mom, this is for you.

Expiration Date

The cry of my youngest son woke me up early today at five. After a while, my eldest woke up too and sooner after that, my husband got up as well. First I thought that it was going to be gloomy day because the sun hasn’t shown up yet (I love the sun. Whenever it’s a sunny morning, I feel more relaxed, and at peace).

To start the day right, I arranged our laundry and made it ready for the yaya to have it all washed. I swept the floors, arranged my kid’s closet and ours too. While my husband was getting ready for work, I prepared breakfast and we all went down the dining area to have breakfast as well.

The typical day for me is always looking after my kids, making sure they have eaten right and have taken their vitamins. After all that was done, that’s the time I reserve for myself. Whether I’m online playing games at face book, or writing another blog. :-)

I wouldn’t say that I am a morning person. I’m a slow riser actually, but it really depends. Whenever my husband and I have gone out the night before and whenever we are at my in-laws’ house, I make sure that I get up on or before six in the morning. I wouldn’t want to get up and find out my in-laws have fed and bathe my kids. Dyahe yun. He he. :-)

This day reminded me of our typical day back when we are at my dad’s house. Oh, how I miss those days. The sun would shine through our backyard, and every morning, the TV would just be turned on, whether it’s a favorite cartoon show my eldest was fond of watching, or it would just be the morning news.

As I was completing my task of arranging my kid’s closet, the discussion on Anthony Taberna’s segment in the morning show was about the petition of a certain women’s group, to have an expiration date not only on the Marriage License of couples but on the Sacrament of Marriage itself. As the costs of an annulment nowadays are soaring, and as other families are on a tight budget, those couples that seemed to be “imprisoned” in their failed marriage would like to be freed from their “unwanted” situation.

The topic they were discussing on TV reminded me of my own marriage. Not that we both didn’t like our shotgun marriage, (Okay, at first, it was really difficult) but as of now, we’re both managing and as for me, I just fell more in love with him.

I met my hubby at a University in Manila. I was a freshman and he was my senior. We dated for a couple of years and when I was in my senior year, I got pregnant. I was four months pregnant when I graduated from college. After graduation, I moved out of my mom’s house, went into my dad’s place, and raised a family there with my husband. Three years went on and you can say that we’re a family of NPA’s (or No Permanent Address) back then. My husband was still pursuing his degree at law, and I would just be at home taking care of all of them. I wanted so badly to get a job when we were just starting, but then, my husband and my mother-in-law made me realize that I should focus on the kids first.

It was not indeed an easy job to be married and stay married. During the early years when my husband and I were just starting, we fought so bad and so often. There were times that I was so mad, I just cried myself into tears. (Well, that’s because we were at my in-laws, and I couldn’t shout my lungs out, so I just cried. But I wanted to scream so hard at him ‘cause I was so mad, but I couldn’t.) Several times, my husband would just stay out and won’t go home maybe because he didn’t want to see or be with me. He had night classes, while he was still at law school. After his classes he would go out with his friends to drink some booze. I couldn’t reach him because his phone is turned off. He would go home at around five in the morning, and I was raging mad, but I couldn’t shout at him. I hated him when he does things to me like that. Much worse is that I couldn’t even tell him how he wronged me, so I just kept silent and kept on frowning (That’s why I couldn’t smile all the time when we were at my in-law’s place).

After a while, we both learned our mistakes and we corrected them. We both made an effort so that our marriage could work. So every time we argue, we talk about it and reason with each other so that we could clear some things up. (My husband just hates it when I make sermons and eventually turns into nagging. And he also hates it when I’m being praning and paranoid. I hate it when he is “lawyering ” [Lawyering, an action done by a lawyer to make palusot. In Filipino, “inaabugado” Ha ha!] his way through just to get out of a situation.)

Given our cat and dog fights, I still appreciate him for who he is, for what he has accomplished for our family’s future, for how he makes an effort to help around the house and in taking care of the kids, and for how he loves me and our kids. I’ve changed a lot too because of him and I guess that’s okay because if it is for the better then, why not? Before, I used to be so miserable and negative (like my mom). But as time goes by, I notice myself that I laugh a lot more, I smile a lot nowadays, and I keep on hoping for the best in anything, which is good. I mean, I became happy. The point here my friends is, if you really, and I mean, really want your relationship to work, you’d make it work. At the end, you still have a choice. At the end if you chose to be alone, miserable and full of negativity in life, then it’s up to you. If you want to be fulfilled and have peace of mind, then do it! Make it happen! Hey, it’s only happiness, right? ;-)

A Promising Pamana (Part 1)

A priest once mentioned in his sermon that education is not the very promising pamana parents can leave their children. In contrast with the usual Filipino family philosophy, I could say that several people listening to the sermon were alarmed. From the very time being, we were taught that education is the primary key if we want to achieve success in life. Sadly, some use it as a tool to get ahead of others and eventually gaining just their own personal interest.

Going back to the priest’s sermon, he then continued with his example based on his experience with a family of professionals. The father was a judge, two of the sons are lawyers, one is an engineer, and one is a doctor. The father got ill and eventually passed away, and the time came to leave to his sons his wealth and possessions. Unhappy with the outcome of their father’s will, the four brothers fought over their inheritance and even brought it up to the courts.

As the priest shares this story to us, I was eagerly waiting, what could it be the most promising pamana parents can leave their children? Just then, the priest tells us that the most important thing parents can pass on to their children is not just a brilliant mind, but a kind heart as well. Not education, according to the priest, but the morally good values that we need in order to live a loving and simple life.

At first I thought, hindi ba tinuturo sa school yun? At hindi ba tinuturo din yun ng mga magulang natin sa atin? So what’s so special about a priest discussing moral values in life? Isn’t that their job? Their “calling”?

Now that I am a parent myself, I’ve realized the importance of what the priest was saying in his sermon back then.

As an only child, I know how it was to be lonely and confused at times. When my parents were arguing, no one was able to explain to me what was going on, or how to react on that certain situation, or what should I do and what should be my role in that kind of scenario. At the end, I was apathetic and depressed.

I was brought up to be a silent observer and later on, when all the arguing was over, it seemed that we let the issues die too without even discussing or talking about it. When my parents were still together, it seemed that they didn’t really know what they were doing. My dad is the typical father: always passive about things, because it seemed that he hated the idea of confrontation and he hated arguing with my mom. My mom is also the typical type: pakialamera, usisera, bungangera. Ha ha! Okay, that was mean, but it’s the ugly truth. During my childhood, I have never heard my parents praise me or each other for that matter. Not that I want praising, but at times, it wouldn’t hurt to hear some words of encouragement or appreciation once in a while. Words of endearment were not mentioned at home. Everything was all criticisms and negative comments, negative remarks, irrational philosophies, and a lot of discouragement. Just imagine what was left of my self-esteem back then. No wonder I couldn’t walk straight with my head held up high. How I wish Dr. Spock had already written his book back then, or if he did, how I wish my parents had grabbed a copy.

A Horrible Halloween

(This is the second article I wrote last year when I was doing a little writing exercise. Ha ha! The year just started and I'm writing about my Halloween experience... :-p)

Compared to all the colorful, exciting and fun Halloween events my kids have experienced, my own Halloween experience was a bit more traumatic. I guess back in my time, parents were the usual control-freak creatures that will make you wear what they want, mainly because “they” think “you” look good in it.

My mother is a perfect example of such a creature, much worse than Bree Van De Kamp and the other middle-aged, control-freak, women you see in Desperate Housewives. She and my Lola (the sister of her real mother, not my grandmother) asked me what I wanted to be for Halloween (ok, so they asked, big deal!) so I said, I wanted to be a witch. As a kid, I didn’t think of the horrible looking witch like in the cartoon Snow White. I wanted to be a little more like Sabrina – the teenage witch. To my horror, my, oh so ever control-freak Lola (we call her Tita by the way, because she doesn’t want to be called Lola, but technically she already is a Lola because she’s the sister of my real grandmother – my grandfather remarried, hence, the word real was used), put her very ugly, teased, curly wig on me and put make-up on my face to make it look like I have wrinkles! Uuugghhh! The horror…. When I looked at the mirror, I didn’t want to get out of the house! I didn’t even want to go trick or treating anymore! That was so horrible, I never have forgotten it up to this day.

Moral lesson? Kids only have a way of seeing things differently. They wouldn’t care what a real witch would look like, or what a real Ninja warrior really does, or how Frankenstein still managed to walk around after all those stitches! They wouldn’t care! All of that, to them, it’s all fantasy, all pretend play, and that’s what’s important – for us parents to nurture those thoughts of pretend and fantasy play so that it will inspire their creative thinking and make their minds more happy and useful as they grow up.

Parents and grandparents as well, must be up to date with their kids, even if in terms of what games they like, what music they listen to, and most especially, parents must learn to adapt to modern times even with their philosophies. Nowadays, there is no more black and white. There are already gray areas and every situation is different. I am not saying that you turn your backs away from the good values your parents have instilled to you as a kid. If it’s a good one, by all means, spread it around, not only to your kids but to all the people you know. But if you think that you’re outdated, or that philosophy doesn’t apply anymore, change it! Change it for the better. Get to know your kids more, have fun with them, love them, nurture them, and make them live their lives like everyday is a happy ending.

Candies, costumes and carved pumpkins

(I wrote this article last November 2009, as I have stumbled upon a website wherein they offer free writing exercises. The suggested topic at the site back then was to write anything about Halloween.)

“Trick or Treat… (in a soft voice)” – my kid said, as we go around the lobby of the Hotel where we’re staying at, celebrating Dia De los Muertos with the other children. He came in as a Ninja warrior, oh so ever excited, to go inside the area where the activities for the Halloween party were starting. The lady in-charge of the tickets, dressed as Cleopatra, handed him his pumpkin pail. My kid grabbed it and ran all the way down the hall to join the other kids dancing in the tune of “Nobody, nobody but you…”. It was a very pleasant sight – your little one enjoys his brief moment in becoming a Ninja warrior, not knowing what a Ninja warrior really does. His little brother came in as little Frankenstein. Yes, my youngest was an adorable little Frankenstein and everybody adored him as well. While Kuya was busy dancing and playing games, my youngest fell asleep in a chair, (poor baby) and little he knew what was going on around him.

Laughter was heard from all around, parents keep on calling their kid’s name, to look at the camera for that one perfect picture, and everybody was having a great time. The scenery of the place was as good as the event. At the side of the room, you can see through the glass window a nice view of the artistic landscape that the hotel had. The nice, sunny afternoon made the event much more brilliant and enjoyable.

"Wanderer"... Hmmm?

As I am as excited in writing my first blog, I noticed that I entitled it "Scribbles of a Wanderer"...

Two things, deep or corny. Ha ha! Anyway, why in the world did I name it like that? Wanderer? What comes into mind when we speak of a "Wanderer"? Someone who is lost, astray, or someone who is at an acrobatic show. ;-) Well, I sure am not lost, or astray.. and I'm positive I do not know anyone in the acrobatic business.

As a matter of fact, I am happy in my life. I'm happy I have a nice family. I'm happy with my love life, and that's it. I'm happy.

I know lots of people out there, who are struggling very hard to find happiness, but me, I guess luck (or it can even be a blessing, or it can also be how you perceive things in your own life) just found me at the right time, at the right place and at the right moment. ;-)

What else can I possibly want for? Well, I could use some clothes... ;-) Having kids can change your wardrobe very rapidly ;-)

Seriously, what else could I possibly do if I am happy and contended?

When we were kids, we are asked by many on how we perceive ourselves when we grow up, or what we would like to be when we're all grown up?

When I was a kid, I couldn't even answer that question. I remember writing in my paper that I wanted to be a model! Ha ha, that's hilarious! But then my pre-school teacher frowned, and I just ended up writing that I wanted to be a secretary so as to finish the assigned work. And when I told my mom about me being a model, she immediately shut the idea, and killed my spirit. Okay, that was mean, but that's how I really felt alright?

I don't know, I just really don't know what I wanted to be. When I went home that morning and asked my mom, she suggested that I'd be a flight attendant.When I asked my dad, all he said was that I didn't have to worry too much about that because I still have a long time ahead to think about it.

Now that I have my own family, I'm still stunned by the idea. Does that mean that I don't have a dream, an aspiration or even an ambition on what I want to be for the rest of my life? And if I don't, would that make me abnormal? Can't I just enjoy what's happening in my life now? If I choose to enjoy my life and not think ahead, would there be consequences?

That simple question dawned on me several years back when I was applying for a job as a pre-school teacher at our hometown. My husband was studying at law school and I wanted to help with our finances so I was looking for a job near home.

My husband and I came across this little kid's place, and so when I applied there, there was this questionnaire wherein they'd test your personality by giving a phrase, and you'd have to complete it by finishing the phrase with the first thing that comes into your mind. Believe me, it was pretty traumatic for me. Some of the questions there were; I always complain about ___________, or I've always dreamt of ________ as a child, or My mom once told me___________, or My dad taught me how to _________ , and so on, and so forth....

Horrible, it was horrible I tell you! It goes on, and seemed that it won't end! I don't know, but to me it was sickening. It's either that or I just didn't know myself very well at that time. Okay, maybe the last remark is more appropriate. I don't know, but it was VERY disturbing to me.

And then, that question; "When I was a kid, I always wanted to be _________. "

And after that, I got stuck with the questionnaire. Time passed, and I wasn't able to finish it.

Well, I have an ambition; 1. To fall in love; 2. To be filthy rich

When I was a little girl, I would always imagine that some amazing guy would kiss me and take me away from the wretched place I was in. Ok that was pretty dark, nonetheless, I did fall in love, and now I've just fallen deeper.

I'm still working on No. 2 though but were getting there and right now, I'd have to say that I did okay.

Minsan

Minsan sa isang buhay ng tao, dumadating ang punto kung saan nanunumbalik ang mga dati niyang karanasan, noong kabataan, noong single-life, at noong magkaroon ng isang makabuluhang pangyayari sa kanyang buhay. Napapatanaw siya sa mga dati niyang nagawa, nasabi, nasaksihan, naging kaibigan, kaaway, ka-kinuman, ka-yosihan, sa luma niyang buhay.

Pero kung tatanungin mo nga, kelan naman naging luma ang isang buhay ng tao? Dahil past tense na ba ito, tama bang sabihin na lumang buhay na ito?

Pagpasensiyahan niyo na... unang blog ko ito at halu-halo pa ang nararamdaman ko sa pagsusulat sa aking blog.

Ayoko sanang maging sobrang pormal, so let's change the mood. Ehehehe... :-)

Bago ako mag-blog, nagtititingin ako ng ibang writing exercises sa internet para mahasa ang aking skills sa writing. Noong una ay natatakot pa ako mag-post, gusto ko, bongga agad ang first piece ko. Gusto ko, maganda at makabuluhan ang puwede kong isulat.

But now, I just want to write what I want and what's in my heart. Maybe this is just an intro to the several blogs I'll be making in the future. Maybe this is my stepping stone to finding out what I really want in life.